Childhood Trauma and Bipolar.

I think bipolar runs in my family, it is known that this can run genetically, obviously. So, it is something that those of us effected by, can deal with a horrible (or happy!) life. I am not saying that anyone I know has it, I didn’t even believe until NOW that I have it. lol. It’s been six years since a manic episode, or maybe that was just the big one and the meds prevent another breakdown like that. Took my sereq tonight so i’m good. Just, insomnia. I think that there maybe a correlation between bipolar and child molestation. I believe that THAT can exacerbate the paranoia with your children, the crippling anxiety, the FEAR..and if there are any anger issues in there too, welp.

Just thinking. Thanks for listening.



Hypomania-tic Persons. We’re each vastly different.

Learning and growing. Learning about myself, how to live life and especially nights sober, with occasional mild to extreme “mood swings”, it mostly ranges between deep depression or hyper manic happy OCD type stages. Lol. I’ve been hiding all of this for so so long. But not now. I’m coming clean, welp…now, any one person reading my new lone blog, knows. Cheers to you, person that is friggin’ cool.

Ang Leal,


(my old maiden last name is Lealuez and we found out that when my great grand parents  came by boat from Portugal and Norway they changed it to the latter from Leal.) Hence the new changes HA! K, bye. 

It has to be this way

The devil is on my back, but I love him. I took the spirit that is bad out and he is gone. Why so afraid? I’m with my love now and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I don’t care about you either, so fuck it. I have my family and my loves in my home. I have wit, and tenacity, fire and I try not to be a liar. Forgive me Jesus. He is real, all religions are real and we are one. We are in heaven and hell on earth.

This is not fun, but almost hilariously congruent. I’m sitting at my moms thinking about everything and sometimes I feel I die every night, to freak out in the morning. I feel bad for my partner, but what can I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I will do good, we will make things right.



IS there a you?

Terrified that the one I love is gone. I know he’ll be back, and my heart hurts every-time he leaves. How can love hurt so damn much? C’mon love how can this happen? I sit writing and channeling Poe, just woe woe woe.

Oh I’m good, I’m terrific but feeling the ripping and tearing of love and the constant fighting with earth is just exhausting. I sit around waiting for that whip and that flick like a feather on my face or in my vagina. I sit and wait so I can kill a damn spirit who probably does not exist. Can I say this? Fuck it. Matrix type shit. LOL.

Oh, I’m great, the constant peeing and eating is a lot but I can handle it cause witchy slutty bitch ain’t going NOWHERE.

Thanks for reading,


Blue Thoughts.

and other colors similar…They have just been resonating with me. The COLOURS! I can’t explain, it calms me, i’m wearing a turquoise hoody right now. I feel calm and happier when I see these colors on houses, the sky, a dress, shoes, windows, just everything. There is really something to this. Also, can I point out how beautifully saturated the colors are when you wearing your THC sunglasses? Wonderful. Photo by me, :).