Childhood Trauma and Bipolar.

I think bipolar runs in my family, it is known that this can run genetically, obviously. So, it is something that those of us effected by, can deal with a horrible (or happy!) life. I am not saying that anyone I know has it, I didn’t even believe until NOW that I have it. lol. It’s been six years since a manic episode, or maybe that was just the big one and the meds prevent another breakdown like that. Took my sereq tonight so i’m good. Just, insomnia. I think that there maybe a correlation between bipolar and child molestation. I believe that THAT can exacerbate the paranoia with your children, the crippling anxiety, the FEAR..and if there are any anger issues in there too, welp.

Just thinking. Thanks for listening.



Blue Thoughts.

and other colors similar…They have just been resonating with me. The COLOURS! I can’t explain, it calms me, i’m wearing a turquoise hoody right now. I feel calm and happier when I see these colors on houses, the sky, a dress, shoes, windows, just everything. There is really something to this. Also, can I point out how beautifully saturated the colors are when you wearing your THC sunglasses? Wonderful. Photo by me, :).


I am Sorry about Disappearing.

I disappeared for about umm, five years, from fb, or three? I dunno. I was in a self-loathing, overly sleeping, overall depression. It was not until about six months I cut back alcohol and I recently started a new and improved fb, and ME! ;D But, really.

And also really, to all my close friends and family that I hurt i really am sorry about it. I slept all day and night, the serequel and the booze combined did nothing but make me fat and lazy, and fucking horrific person to be around. I dunno, I’m just sorry. If I hurt anyone along the way, well I probably love and care a whole bunch about you.



“Children’s March.”

The climate march was fun, my mania was mostly under control. In and out of my head, getting claustrophobic every hour or so, and not being able to breathe very well but I had it under control. And it was a fun event (where were the young people?!), even though i’m anxious i still talk a lot these days, like wayyy too much lol. I guess thats normal socializing, really. What happened in my life that I can’t have a normal conversation with a stranger or co-worker? I guess that comes in another blog. lol.

Today I wanted to talk to you about a conversation that was had at the climate march in sacramento. These cool seemingly smart men came over in the same vicinity to hide from the sun and relax, so we all started talking. It was my sis and I and three other dudes. So we get to talking about Trump of course, but then I get lost. The young man on my right said that they are going to hold a Children’s March in most likely Oakland and he would love for us to go. It is for CHILDREN and for ANTI-VAXING. Also, chem trails. Cool, this is the crowd I moseyed on into, or rather they moseyed. I am not a conspiracy theorist at all, but I have been at times. Now I have the knowledge and resources (we all should) of how to look up facts and not think everyone is out to get us.

I read a story on reddit a while ago that got verified by persons and lot’s of up-votes (not that that matters but more reason it would be true) it broke my heart. I at the same time wanted to hear them out, but first let me tell her story. A woman I’m not sure her name, I’ll call her Sandy. Sandy was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby whom she had vaccinated of course. Her neighbor had been a good friend of hers and she had children too. They were not vaccinated. She went over on a day that one of the children were sick and her newborn three month baby got sick, and died. Because that woman chose not to vaccinate. The mother was asking for help in r/relationships because she can not go on with life anymore she drink and sleeps it away, and of course screamed at her neighbor while crying hysterically when that happened (i’d say she under-reacted.) She did not press charges and still lives next door to the neighbor. The “woke” bro told me that It was probably untrue, that pissed me off.

My story is untrue?? We started discussing further and yes I do believe that there can be a correlation between autism and maybe vaccinations but we have no fucking concrete data yet! Once the studies have actually been done on our different chemical reactions in each of our bodies to these vaccines, we cannot just run around with our sick babies spreading diseases and possibly death. I am obviously politely declining this march because I do not believe it is for the earth or our children, especially.

Oh, one last thing. The fluoride in the water is good for our teeth in small amounts. But yes, other hazardous materials may be in the water. But, fluoride? It’s just fluoride, c’mon guys. So get a water filter. They’re cheap.


The Answer is in Our Poop.

Did you know that 80 percent of our serotonin is in our intestines? Scientists are finding out that certain gut bacteria can actually be effective in depression, anxiety, and even bi-polar. This is an oldie but a goodie. Eat your yogurt! 😀 And read this!




To the T.

So, I found some amazing bloggers with bipolar, some who write so honestly and poetically about this disease, including @the_bipolar_barbie on instagram. I took a screen shot of something she said that resonated with me, I mean everything was so true that she said and says in many of her posts. Especially since most people that we are close with do not understand very well and it can be heartbreaking and scary for them too. I totally get that, I really do, and I don’t want to give pain to my family, friends or SO. But I am the one going through this very very horrifying thing that I cannot control for the life of me except for some meds that work pretty OK. More so horrifying if I am going through a bad episode, but it’s not bad right now and passing, I hope. But surprisingly, I still don’t want to drink even if it passes. The cravings are gone, and I think maybe it is just because I made it a habit. Life has been so much better because of it. Blessing in disguise I guess.  I just have to ride it out and not drink or that will make it way worse. Anyway, here is the post. It is beautiful and real. Thank you, beautiful barbie angel. “How can I recognize their suffering for a burden they deny I have?”