I am Sorry about Disappearing.

I disappeared for about umm, five years, from fb, or three? I dunno. I was in a self-loathing, overly sleeping, overall depression. It was not until about six months I cut back alcohol and I recently started a new and improved fb, and ME! ;D But, really.

And also really, to all my close friends and family that I hurt i really am sorry about it. I slept all day and night, the serequel and the booze combined did nothing but make me fat and lazy, and fucking horrific person to be around. I dunno, I’m just sorry. If I hurt anyone along the way, well I probably love and care a whole bunch about you.



This “Green” thing.

It is hard as fuck. I want to be those people that buy two separate garbage cans with the little flip lid that you press your toes on (but like big sized) underneath their huge kitchen sink, or on the side…whatever, you get the idea. I fantasize about a compost system for food we waste in my backyard (future, yes, yes, I know I live in a shitty apt. still, thanks for the reminder guys! ;)) like the ones I saw in Germany. Smelled like hell, but it’s, it’s GREEN!!!

I have to be honest, only a few months ago I threw out TONS of hidden bottles of alcohol to the green canister outside the apartments. We have not been doing our best at all to recycle. Alcohol and laziness will do that to you. AND turning the lights out! So annoying. Wish I could leave em all on and say, “peace”. But no, I can’t, we can’t. Turn the damn light off when you walk off.  #thatrhymed #hehehehehehehe

“Children’s March.”

The climate march was fun, my mania was mostly under control. In and out of my head, getting claustrophobic every hour or so, and not being able to breathe very well but I had it under control. And it was a fun event (where were the young people?!), even though i’m anxious i still talk a lot these days, like wayyy too much lol. I guess thats normal socializing, really. What happened in my life that I can’t have a normal conversation with a stranger or co-worker? I guess that comes in another blog. lol.

Today I wanted to talk to you about a conversation that was had at the climate march in sacramento. These cool seemingly smart men came over in the same vicinity to hide from the sun and relax, so we all started talking. It was my sis and I and three other dudes. So we get to talking about Trump of course, but then I get lost. The young man on my right said that they are going to hold a Children’s March in most likely Oakland and he would love for us to go. It is for CHILDREN and for ANTI-VAXING. Also, chem trails. Cool, this is the crowd I moseyed on into, or rather they moseyed. I am not a conspiracy theorist at all, but I have been at times. Now I have the knowledge and resources (we all should) of how to look up facts and not think everyone is out to get us.

I read a story on reddit a while ago that got verified by persons and lot’s of up-votes (not that that matters but more reason it would be true) it broke my heart. I at the same time wanted to hear them out, but first let me tell her story. A woman I’m not sure her name, I’ll call her Sandy. Sandy was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby whom she had vaccinated of course. Her neighbor had been a good friend of hers and she had children too. They were not vaccinated. She went over on a day that one of the children were sick and her newborn three month baby got sick, and died. Because that woman chose not to vaccinate. The mother was asking for help in r/relationships because she can not go on with life anymore she drink and sleeps it away, and of course screamed at her neighbor while crying hysterically when that happened (i’d say she under-reacted.) She did not press charges and still lives next door to the neighbor. The “woke” bro told me that It was probably untrue, that pissed me off.

My story is untrue?? We started discussing further and yes I do believe that there can be a correlation between autism and maybe vaccinations but we have no fucking concrete data yet! Once the studies have actually been done on our different chemical reactions in each of our bodies to these vaccines, we cannot just run around with our sick babies spreading diseases and possibly death. I am obviously politely declining this march because I do not believe it is for the earth or our children, especially.

Oh, one last thing. The fluoride in the water is good for our teeth in small amounts. But yes, other hazardous materials may be in the water. But, fluoride? It’s just fluoride, c’mon guys. So get a water filter. They’re cheap.


The Answer is in Our Poop.

Did you know that 80 percent of our serotonin is in our intestines? Scientists are finding out that certain gut bacteria can actually be effective in depression, anxiety, and even bi-polar. This is an oldie but a goodie. Eat your yogurt! 😀 And read this! http://www.npr.org/series/218987212/microbiome





My “up” is coming down smoothly now due to new meds and SLEEP. Saw my amazing psychiatrist today, I’ve been to so many psychiatrists, she is the FIRST to actually look at me sit with me, talk to me, get to the bottom of…me. And not stare at the computer the whole damn time. She is the sweetest person too. So anyway, enough bragging about my awesome doc. She saw that the serequel was making me way too drowsy and out of it and I hated it and couldn’t function. The new meds have got me sleeping good and no groggy “hangover”.

I told her about my family’s concerns, (my constant writing and drawing and artsy fartsy stuff I needed to get out of me), we’ve been fighting like cats and dogs and I would be set off (where normally I’m pretty calm and let things slide) OMG not those days. LOL. Their fears were that I was going to have a complete break like last time (six years ago). It was a really really hard time for my mom and Josh and I can imagine what they had to go through. I mean I was there! lol but usually in these states I just want PEACE. I sat with my dad watching the football draft yesterday (no I’m not the cool girl who knows about football, I had know idea who these guys are but good for them? Some of them?) for a little bit and we just sat in peace and quiet and I felt so calm. I can’t be around anyone super ‘in your face’ at these times. I will freak. Freaked out at a friend that is usually the loud fast talking one and i’m the listener. Had a screaming match in the car and I literally could not stop LOL. We are of course okay, been through a lot with that girl. 🙂

Unless your family member is acting as if he or she may hurt themselves or others AND they are seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist AND are on meds, then please BACK OFF. Do not make this about yourself and your fears. If you have to, then just back away for a little until things have cooled down. This is my life. There will be another up and another down and I need those people in my life that love me enough to stay. And I have those, so I’m in tears writing this; Grateful for my parents and sister, and especially Josh who had to live with me the last breakdown. It was terrifying for both me and him because we had no clue what was happening and were in a different stage in life. He has dealt with me and my problems and addictions for so long. I don’t know why he even stayed. But I’m so so happy he did. I’ve had friends that have seen me at my worse in drinking and I’ve done some shitty things in my life. And I’m so grateful for friends that I’ve had by me for years even through that last breakdown and everything after. I love you guys.

I guess I just wanted to say that yes, I know it is extremely hard for family and friends to deal with a person like me. I know that, and I always have known deep down. But I am trying, thats all I can do. I also want just anyone out there that is reading this with a family member that is maybe being manic at the moment, don’t freak out, it will freak them out even MORE! lol. Have a good one y’all.