I am Sorry about Disappearing.

I disappeared for about umm, five years, from fb, or three? I dunno. I was in a self-loathing, overly sleeping, overall depression. It was not until about six months I cut back alcohol and I recently started a new and improved fb, and ME! ;D But, really.

And also really, to all my close friends and family that I hurt i really am sorry about it. I slept all day and night, the serequel and the booze combined did nothing but make me fat and lazy, and fucking horrific person to be around. I dunno, I’m just sorry. If I hurt anyone along the way, well I probably love and care a whole bunch about you.

-Ang

 

“Children’s March.”

The climate march was fun, my mania was mostly under control. In and out of my head, getting claustrophobic every hour or so, and not being able to breathe very well but I had it under control. And it was a fun event (where were the young people?!), even though i’m anxious i still talk a lot these days, like wayyy too much lol. I guess thats normal socializing, really. What happened in my life that I can’t have a normal conversation with a stranger or co-worker? I guess that comes in another blog. lol.

Today I wanted to talk to you about a conversation that was had at the climate march in sacramento. These cool seemingly smart men came over in the same vicinity to hide from the sun and relax, so we all started talking. It was my sis and I and three other dudes. So we get to talking about Trump of course, but then I get lost. The young man on my right said that they are going to hold a Children’s March in most likely Oakland and he would love for us to go. It is for CHILDREN and for ANTI-VAXING. Also, chem trails. Cool, this is the crowd I moseyed on into, or rather they moseyed. I am not a conspiracy theorist at all, but I have been at times. Now I have the knowledge and resources (we all should) of how to look up facts and not think everyone is out to get us.

I read a story on reddit a while ago that got verified by persons and lot’s of up-votes (not that that matters but more reason it would be true) it broke my heart. I at the same time wanted to hear them out, but first let me tell her story. A woman I’m not sure her name, I’ll call her Sandy. Sandy was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby whom she had vaccinated of course. Her neighbor had been a good friend of hers and she had children too. They were not vaccinated. She went over on a day that one of the children were sick and her newborn three month baby got sick, and died. Because that woman chose not to vaccinate. The mother was asking for help in r/relationships because she can not go on with life anymore she drink and sleeps it away, and of course screamed at her neighbor while crying hysterically when that happened (i’d say she under-reacted.) She did not press charges and still lives next door to the neighbor. The “woke” bro told me that It was probably untrue, that pissed me off.

My story is untrue?? We started discussing further and yes I do believe that there can be a correlation between autism and maybe vaccinations but we have no fucking concrete data yet! Once the studies have actually been done on our different chemical reactions in each of our bodies to these vaccines, we cannot just run around with our sick babies spreading diseases and possibly death. I am obviously politely declining this march because I do not believe it is for the earth or our children, especially.

Oh, one last thing. The fluoride in the water is good for our teeth in small amounts. But yes, other hazardous materials may be in the water. But, fluoride? It’s just fluoride, c’mon guys. So get a water filter. They’re cheap.

-Ang

The Answer is in Our Poop.

Did you know that 80 percent of our serotonin is in our intestines? Scientists are finding out that certain gut bacteria can actually be effective in depression, anxiety, and even bi-polar. This is an oldie but a goodie. Eat your yogurt! ūüėÄ And read this! http://www.npr.org/series/218987212/microbiome

 

 

 

To the T.

So, I found some amazing bloggers with bipolar, some who write so honestly and poetically about this disease, including @the_bipolar_barbie on instagram. I took a screen shot of something she said that resonated with me, I mean everything was so true that she said and says in many of her posts. Especially since most people that we are close with do not understand very well and it can be heartbreaking and scary for them too. I totally get that, I really do, and I don’t want to give pain to my family, friends or SO. But I am the one going through this very very horrifying thing that I cannot control for the life of me except for some¬†meds that work pretty OK. More so horrifying if I am going through a bad episode, but it’s not bad right now and passing, I hope. But surprisingly, I still don’t want to drink even if it passes. The cravings are gone, and I think maybe it is just because I made it a habit. Life has been so much better because of it. Blessing in disguise I guess. ¬†I just have to ride it out and not drink or that will make it way worse. Anyway, here is the post. It is beautiful and real. Thank you, beautiful barbie angel. “How can I recognize their suffering for a burden they deny I have?”

-Ang

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Controlled and leveled out manic episodes, the workings of late.

I honestly with all my might never thought for one second I would ever again have anything close to manic episode. Well, it happened. After my mind being depressed and up and down from drinking a lot but never manic for five whole years…the horrifyingly quiet disease waited in the dark to jump out and reveal the worst thing that could possibly happen in my life, so i thought.

I didn’t believe I ever had BiPolar, I really didn’t. I figured it was from the years of opioid addiction and the constant abuse of xanax along with two relationships that failed miserably. I was a thriving piece of shit. As any junkie is. I’ll write word for word what is on my journal picture attached¬†to this post. I like to write with my new pen and pencils, hehe.

4/20

Making the most of my hypomania (symptoms in bi II and bi include: Grandiosity, rapid and frenzied speaking, manic episode, and agitation), I’ve had all the symptoms but am coming down because of my medication that my doc upped. I have not had the depression¬†lately, actually I have been in pretty good moods throughout¬†the last six months, could relate to¬†cutting alcohol in addition to the minor mania. Overall, feeling happy, with anxiety only very far in between. Hey, at least there’s that, and also the almost constant need to be creative, the amount of ideas in my head is just thrilling!

Making a lot of art the past couple of months. Today I was organizing every possible thing that could be organized, including notes in my phone -_- there were tons and not all made sense, lol. Since we are on a budget this month I decided to pull out the old mannequin in Josh’s closet along with some bright christmas ornaments and markers, glue, lights, dirt and water.¬†I made an art mannequin, took some pics and I actually got some good material. I used the chibi style drawing that Corena, my niece, taught me today on the head of the mannequin with markers. So, I’ve had a lot of energy then I decided next to make a really good chicken taco meal without using a recipe and it came out great. I’m learning! I cook a lot btw. We ate and I edited for couple hours obsessively. Then I decided to decorate the open closet in the living room facing the couch. wtf. So I used some sparkly trinkets and more white christmas lights. I had to clean, so it took a while. Josh had went to sleep already and its about one¬†thirty by now. I then looked up how to cut my own layers, even though I only had pastry scissors (I mean, they ARE¬†really sharp), so I used those and cut a lot off. It came out good!! Phew! Not to mention all the driving around and errands during the day until 5. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† 3 am.¬†

I’m pretty¬†stable though with my meds so I’m¬†not up all night and having scary paranoid thoughts. Thank you,¬†universe. SO, I slept for little while and now I’m writing after a¬†cannaoil espresso at 6 am.¬†

 

I wanted to write about this for a long time. My ups and downs. My truths. Why I do or act certain ways, I want others to understand, and if I even help only one person to understand¬†then I’m happy, very happy. Have a good day, all! I’m gonna most likely be creating and talking

a LOT today ;D. peace.

 

-Angie

 

Hypomania-tic Persons. We’re each vastly different.

Learning and growing. Learning about myself, how to live life and especially nights sober, with occasional mild to extreme “mood swings”, it mostly ranges between deep depression or hyper manic happy OCD type stages. Lol. I’ve been hiding all of this for so so long. But not now. I’m coming clean, welp…now, any one person reading my new lone blog, knows. Cheers to you, person that is friggin’ cool.


Ang Leal,

ANJ…leeAL¬†

(my old maiden last name is Lealuez and we found out that when my great grand parents  came by boat from Portugal and Norway they changed it to the latter from Leal.) Hence the new changes HA! K, bye.