To the T.

So, I found some amazing bloggers with bipolar, some who write so honestly and poetically about this disease, including @the_bipolar_barbie on instagram. I took a screen shot of something she said that resonated with me, I mean everything was so true that she said and says in many of her posts. Especially since most people that we are close with do not understand very well and it can be heartbreaking and scary for them too. I totally get that, I really do, and I don’t want to give pain to my family, friends or SO. But I am the one going through this very very horrifying thing that I cannot control for the life of me except for some meds that work pretty OK. More so horrifying if I am going through a bad episode, but it’s not bad right now and passing, I hope. But surprisingly, I still don’t want to drink even if it passes. The cravings are gone, and I think maybe it is just because I made it a habit. Life has been so much better because of it. Blessing in disguise I guess.  I just have to ride it out and not drink or that will make it way worse. Anyway, here is the post. It is beautiful and real. Thank you, beautiful barbie angel. “How can I recognize their suffering for a burden they deny I have?”

-Ang

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Controlled and leveled out manic episodes, the workings of late.

I honestly with all my might never thought for one second I would ever again have anything close to manic episode. Well, it happened. After my mind being depressed and up and down from drinking a lot but never manic for five whole years…the horrifyingly quiet disease waited in the dark to jump out and reveal the worst thing that could possibly happen in my life, so i thought.

I didn’t believe I ever had BiPolar, I really didn’t. I figured it was from the years of opioid addiction and the constant abuse of xanax along with two relationships that failed miserably. I was a thriving piece of shit. As any junkie is. I’ll write word for word what is on my journal picture attached to this post. I like to write with my new pen and pencils, hehe.

4/20

Making the most of my hypomania (symptoms in bi II and bi include: Grandiosity, rapid and frenzied speaking, manic episode, and agitation), I’ve had all the symptoms but am coming down because of my medication that my doc upped. I have not had the depression lately, actually I have been in pretty good moods throughout the last six months, could relate to cutting alcohol in addition to the minor mania. Overall, feeling happy, with anxiety only very far in between. Hey, at least there’s that, and also the almost constant need to be creative, the amount of ideas in my head is just thrilling!

Making a lot of art the past couple of months. Today I was organizing every possible thing that could be organized, including notes in my phone -_- there were tons and not all made sense, lol. Since we are on a budget this month I decided to pull out the old mannequin in Josh’s closet along with some bright christmas ornaments and markers, glue, lights, dirt and water. I made an art mannequin, took some pics and I actually got some good material. I used the chibi style drawing that Corena, my niece, taught me today on the head of the mannequin with markers. So, I’ve had a lot of energy then I decided next to make a really good chicken taco meal without using a recipe and it came out great. I’m learning! I cook a lot btw. We ate and I edited for couple hours obsessively. Then I decided to decorate the open closet in the living room facing the couch. wtf. So I used some sparkly trinkets and more white christmas lights. I had to clean, so it took a while. Josh had went to sleep already and its about one thirty by now. I then looked up how to cut my own layers, even though I only had pastry scissors (I mean, they ARE really sharp), so I used those and cut a lot off. It came out good!! Phew! Not to mention all the driving around and errands during the day until 5.         3 am. 

I’m pretty stable though with my meds so I’m not up all night and having scary paranoid thoughts. Thank you, universe. SO, I slept for little while and now I’m writing after a cannaoil espresso at 6 am. 

 

I wanted to write about this for a long time. My ups and downs. My truths. Why I do or act certain ways, I want others to understand, and if I even help only one person to understand then I’m happy, very happy. Have a good day, all! I’m gonna most likely be creating and talking

a LOT today ;D. peace.

 

-Angie

 

Hypomania-tic Persons. We’re each vastly different.

Learning and growing. Learning about myself, how to live life and especially nights sober, with occasional mild to extreme “mood swings”, it mostly ranges between deep depression or hyper manic happy OCD type stages. Lol. I’ve been hiding all of this for so so long. But not now. I’m coming clean, welp…now, any one person reading my new lone blog, knows. Cheers to you, person that is friggin’ cool.


Ang Leal,

ANJ…leeAL 

(my old maiden last name is Lealuez and we found out that when my great grand parents  came by boat from Portugal and Norway they changed it to the latter from Leal.) Hence the new changes HA! K, bye.